3 February, 2022
You all know the classic question, “What are you doing?”, and the automatic answer: “I’m good/fine”
I will smile and laugh at your jokes, but I will admit now that I’m not well, but I’m trying to fix myself. I think I’m in a pre-burnout faze or some kind of depression.
I’m always tired, always in a mood, nothing interests me anymore. Everything is gray. I put on a happy face every time I get out to meet with friends. I love them but some things are broken inside me. Put on the face that I thought others wanted to see, discuss every subject possible, except my feelings, because I feel like I can’t open up to anyone. I felt there was no need to burden others with my problems. It’s not fair to let others walk in your shoes: my issues, I need to find a way to fix me.
I was always the one who listened to those around me and I tried to help them with at least some advice. I let myself on the side and helped those around me, especially those closer to me.
I think the rupture occurred three and a half years ago, when the person I loved the most, my mother, died. My father was not well, I’m the only child and I had to handle everything by myself. The next shock was a year or so ago, when my father died too. I was alone in some ways.
My aunt and uncle, and also my best friends were there for me, and I always thank them for their support, but inside me I was all alone. Those days were hard, but I couldn’t really cry. There were things that needed to be done and there was no one else to take care of them. So, I did the only rational thing, I forgot about feelings and soul and I focused on papers and the things that needed my attention, which couldn’t be postponed
My last two relationships ended because of me. I knew that those guys loved me and I wish I could feel the same for them but I couldn’t. I TRIED. To break up with them, I told them things that hurt them, but I wanted to make sure they didn’t try to reconcile. This broke something inside me, but I couldn’t be happy. Me being unhappy was not their fault. I’m not happy because of me, and until I discover what makes me happy it’s not fair for others to support me in my craziness. I’ve always been aware of what I’m doing. I took it upon myself then and still take it now, on everything I said and did. What I did not say then, and if I say it now does not help anyone in any way, is: I’m sorry! It’s not you, it’s me!
When I made the decision to end my last relationship, I was aware that I would hurt many people and that it would not be easy. Some will say I’m selfish. I could have tried to fix myself and continue the relationship. To fix something, you need to disassemble it and check each part. So, that is what I did.
I know every little mistake I’ve made in every relationship, and I also know my biggest mistake. The biggest one is that I make a comparison between the relationship in which I said I love you and the next ones. It’s not healthy and I know it, but it’s an involuntary comparison. We will always compare the times when we were the best and we will try to overcome that. “I love you” are strong words and can’t be said to anyone without feeling it. That’s why I told myself that I would say these words to just one more person in this life. I liked and cared for the people I was with, but I didn’t love them.
I’m not looking for anything right now, and I’m looking for everything. I don’t want anything, but I want something specific. I want to be loved but also be left alone. Don’t be sad for me. Don’t try to help fix me, I will do it myself, but in the process, there may be others that will get hurt. I need time for myself, with me, but at the same time I need someone next to me who is just as broken, to try to fix him, because that’s the only way I think I’ll fix myself.
PS: this is the first time in 5 years that I really cried and thought about everything I had and lost.