2 May, 2023
“Deep into the darkness peering,
Long I stood there wondering, fearing
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal
Ever dare to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken,
And the stillness gave no taken”
The raven – Edgar Allan Poe
I’m searching for her in the crowd. I just want a hug. Saw her in a small group of our friends. I took a deep breath, gathered my courage and headed towards them. My first thought was to surprise her, but I changed my mind halfway. Instead of hugging her, I just placed my hand on her waist and sat on her left.
She looked into my eyes and whispered so that I was the only one that could hear her
– Hey you! What’s up?
– Meh! I say with an absent look, looking through her
She instantly knew what to do. Turned towards me and gave me the most heartwarming hug. I felt my heartbeat slow down and the silence came over me. It was just like it was me and her. I didn’t want her to let go, and she felt it.
– Wanna talk about it? She whispered in my ear, hugging me tighter
– No! I said without thinking
She pulled away from the hug, put one hand on my check and looked into my eyes surprised. She must have seen something there because her attitude changed.
– Let’s go for a walk! Took my hand and wanted to leave but I didn’t move
– Let’s go into the lounge! she said, trying once again
I was like a statue. Staring blankly. Tired and ready to cry, only that the tears got stucked somewhere. I wanted to talk with her, but without knowing how.
I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to say something, but the words wouldn’t come out. Frustrated, I closed my eyes and sighed. I stayed like this… don’t know for how long. When I’ve opened my eyes, she was still there, holding my hand, waiting for me to say something.
– OK. I want to talk with you but I’m also tired. I want … I don’t know what I want. I said, sighing again.
She started walking and this time I followed her. We went to the lounge, in the farthest corner of the room. I laid on my back. She sat on her side, facing me, with one hand onto my chest. I closed my eyes and started doing breathing exercises to calm my heartbeat. I wanted to be able to tell her what I had to say.
– I have some questions with partial or no answers, which drives me crazy. Don’t know how to handle them. I’ve surprised her when I opened my eyes and started talking.
She made me understand that she was listening to me. I took a deep breath and continued.
– I don’t know what I want from myself! How could I know what I want from you? Why just now? And why you? I say in a whisper almost bursting into tears of helplessness. I don’t expect an answer from you. They are just questions that I have to answer by myself, but I don’t know how. I let my guard down near you without a flinch, without any hesitation. I sighed looking into her eyes, without waiting for an answer.
She came closer and kissed me
– Feelings are hard to explain in words. They are easier to show and live. She said as she was running her fingers through my hair.
I was purring like a cat. Almost fell asleep.
– I don’t know how you manage to calm me down. When you look and hug me I feel like I’m home, and that scares me. I say that in a breath with tears in my eyes. I haven’t felt like this in a long time and this time took me by surprise. I got attached so fast because you made me feel something after being so numb for so long. I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling, because there are so many feelings at the same time that I just wanna cry
– You know we fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time, she said
– If I will tell you now that you’re everything I ever wanted, could I have you?
– OH! Sweet girl! I wish it were that simple
I saw the sadness in her eyes the moment she said those words. I smiled and kissed her. She felt that was the moment I closed back into my fortress, even if I moved closer to her, hugging her tight.
Before falling asleep in her arms, my mind raised a question: is this the end?
“I never liked dreams that ended in sadness.”